Oh, yes. Get ready.
This post is so weird to write. Anyways. One of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 (I just wrote 2010 – fml) was to be more sociable. I’m doing quite well with that, if doing well means I occasionally drag my ass out of bed at 6 pm to go to the bar with my girlfriends. The point of this post though, is specifically, the line in my resolution post where I wrote “I also would love to go on at least one date, since I’m finally feeling really good about where I am in my life again to want another person in it”.
Some background information. My last relationship was nearly 2.5 years long and ended last January. It had been rocking and basically, a hot mess, for awhile, but we were “working through it”. This was really code for: I slept with another girl on New Year’s Eve because you had to work and text messaged you a week later to end our relationship. I’m not even kidding – my last long term relationship really ended with a 4am text message that said:
No mas, we’re done.
For serious.
Understandably, after that debacle of a relationship, I was done, done, done with the thought of being in love with anyone but myself for a looooong time. I mean, in Asheville, I had a few fun nights, but no real dates or prospects to date, seeing as most men in Asheville seem to like to not wear shoes if they can help it. Gross.
It’s been just over a year since my breakup and I want to date. I know the type of man I want to date, but I don’t know who he is or where to find him. I’m not really into the bar scene and I live in a pretty isolated area. I’m definitely not going to hit up Craigslist for a date or join match.com. I guess there’s like, two guys are work that I think are decent, but here’s the issue – I’m scared. Scared of getting hurt again, scared of getting denied, scared of asking someone out. Just plain old scared.
I guess the point of this post is asking for advice, for words of encouragement, wondering if these quotes holds any merit at all (I read this damn book & can’t get it out of my mind):
“If we want you , we will find you. If you don’t think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.” -He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
“I know it’s an infuriating concept–that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you.” -He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
I guess I just don’t know what to think, or what to do. I feel like I don’t get asked out often, so I’m not sure if men aren’t interested or if I give off an “I’m crazy/uninterested/taken/ugly/lame/boring” vibe or what. This is pretty much uncharted territory, and so terribly awkward for me!
Any advice/commentary/funny stories?
Oh girl, that break up sounds rough! That is just so wrong, and a text message is a really tacky way to end things. I’m sorry for you:( It’s definitely scary to get back into a relationship, especially one that ended like that!
Text Message Guy sounds like a d-bag. You can do better! And it’s smart to take your time after an ugly breakup like that to make sure that you are ready to put yourself out there.
I can’t offer much dating advice, but I would just say, don’t spend your time waiting. If you want to go out on a date with a guy, don’t not ask him b/c of a book you read. Just my two cents!*
Holy cow!
I don’t blame you for being nervous about getting back out there, it’d take me awhile to recover from such a terrible break up. Keep us posted on any progress!!!
Good luck! I know that for me I always meet a guy when I’m trying the least–when I’m just focusing on bettering myself and making myself happy. And I think you should give online dating a chance. I’ve never tried it but I have a lot of friends who have. Even if you don’t meet anyone worthwhile, it will boost your confidence to just go out on dates and let’s you “practice” and come out of your shell. Be patient and you’ll find someone! The question just will be is he good enough for you?
“If it’s your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.”
In the meantime: focus on yourself, have fun, and soon enough the dates will come.
Good luck!
This is a great quote and great advice
I’d also echo the idea about internet dating – can be a fun way to break the dating ‘scary’ barrier and see who is out there!
Go for it Errign. I know exactly what its like to need to take some time after a nasty breakup, but you seem like an amazing woman, and any man would be LUCKY to go out on a date (or two or 10!) with you. Whatever that may lead to…well, only time will tell, but you have ALOT to offer. Text message man? Blech…his loss!!! Keep us posted how it goes!!!!
Good for you for this honest post- I think just putting your intentions out there has a power in it. You are stating that you don’t want to be afraid anymore. Its a great first step! My advice is keep getting out there and meeting people, but have fun doing your own thing too
I know how you feel! I’ve been single since late 2008… I think it’s a matter of getting out there and doing more things where you’re likely to meet someone, but it’s still hard!
Obviously I won’t have any advice since I’m in struggle town myself… but I have interesting stories. Unfortunately they’re not super appropriate for a public forum LOL…
Well I am actually 25 and in my first proper relationship!!! lol, When I was ill with anorexia and depression I was almost a recluse I never went out and have had bad experiences as a child with men and it has taken me lots of therapy to be able to even date someone. I believe in fate, sounds silly but my place was defered at uni and just after that I met and am still with this amazing guy and really feel that I have found the “one” sounds mushy but never thought would meet someone so understandng and caring as him. I did join match.com but never actually went on any dates. we met when I was out one night, I sort of knew him before as he works in my favourite coffee shop.
Well I can really understand how you feel, my last long term relationship before the one I’m in now ended with the arsehole cheating on me and I now how destroying that can be. It is hard to let other people get close again, but you have to remember that other men out there are much better and you need to be able to put yourself out there to find out. A relationship can be the best thing in your life and its worth the risk of being hurt to find that out. Good luck!
What an awful way to end a relationship, especially a long one! No wonder you are nervous about getting close to someone in that way again. I just think you never know where you will meet someone- someone at work met her husband when they were in a launderette, someone else met their husband stuck in a traffic jam (they kept smiling at each other from their cars, then pulled into the next service station to exchange numbers!), one of my friends who is about to get married met her fiance at a speed dating evening (they both found it a bit awkward but they had things in common so met again a few times). So just smile at people and be friendly, and you just never know.
lovely! lovely! lovely! i think that you should have wonderful date experiences in 2010 . . . FML, 2012.
i recommend match.com, as i’ve been an on-again-off-again user since 2001. YogaDuchess1982 is my handle, although i’m currently not using the page. it truly allows a girl to qualify, at least to some extent, the other person. but be prepared: not all fellows are hunky dory when “advertised” on the internet. i’ve had many bad experiences, too! overall, the good outweigh the bad, and i’ve made friends for life via match.com. no mates currently, but that’s just because i don’t want to have sex, and men can’t deal with that. sorry you had that bad breakup. he didn’t deserve you!. ah, yes, one more point about match.com: a girl can pre-qualify if her date is grammatically correct. that’s VERY important to me. 
Woah I would have reached through the phone and killed that guy. What.an.asshole. I can understand why you are nervous about getting close with anyone, can’t say I blame you at all! I believe in the whole “you will find someone when you stop looking” thing… and that is what I am going with for now. I want to meet someone too, but no luck as I have been looking. Keep us updated!
I’m on mission:find a date too
Make sure you don’t settle for less than you deserve, text message guy sounds like a piece of work. Keep us updated on how the search goes!
OK first of all…last boyfriend deserves douche bag of the year for that break up text..LAME! As for being scared..that is normal..N.O.R.M.A.L..but you can only hold onto that fear for so long. I had a friend in Arizona that never told me how he felt. I had the HUGEST crush on him, and I too was scared to tell him. We danced around these feelings for TWO YEARS! Finally..when it was too late he told me how he felt. I was heart broken because I had already moved on, thinking he did not share the same feelings for me. This is just one example for me to say DON’T hold back..you are going to get denied and rejected…but you will also get accepted. You don’t have to make all the moves, but subtle hints can let people know you are interested.
I met my Manfriend totally unexpected. I was also thinking “love” would take forever for me to find and that it just wasn’t meant to be. I would never go on Craigslist or match.com..but simply enjoy my time alone as much as I could. Then I met Manfriend, and it just felt right. I didn’t force it because I didn’t want to be alone. You will find your other half, it just might take some time. If you are ready to be on the market make it known!! If you stay in the scared world you will never move forward just know that if you do get hurt again “this too shall pass.” Good luck girlfrannnn and just know that any guy would be LUCKY to have you on his arm. (sorry for the novel ha) Now get yo’ sexy ass out there!
I went on a couple dates that made me quite literally fear for my life, and gave up after that. And then realized how much I like being single. So I have no advice for you, other than: Do not date people who live in basements wallpapered in weapons. Do not date drug addicts that think you have a relationship after ONE group date-like hang out. Do not date raging alcoholics that get mad that you won’t hit them. I wish any one of those hadn’t happened. Anyhoo, that’s not particularly helpful, right? I feel like “don’t date crazy” should be obvious from the get-go, but I’m still apparently figuring that one out. As for a do, I say DO go for it. See someone who looks interesting/cute/a possibility? Ask him out. Yeah, sort of scary the first time, after that–no big deal. And is way better than waiting for someone to ask you, because do you really want the guy that wants you, or the guy YOU want?
Wow what a way to end a relationship. I can understand why you’d be hurt and feel anxious about dating again! Putting yourself out there can be scary, but you are such a genuine person and I know you will find someone just right for you.
That guys sounds like such a loser! Sorry you had to go through that… though “No mas, we’re done” is the best break up line/text ever.
I feel you on the dating… I haven’t really been in a relationship since… uhhhh… 2009. I date occasionally, but no sparks. Getting asked out is a rarity for me and I don’t really know here to go to meet people. I just keep hoping it will happen when it’s meant to be.
Maybe 2012 will be our year! Otherwise, we should plan a blogger single conference where we drink wine and eat good food.
I am still so happy you aren’t with B anymore – that guy treated you like shit and you deserve so much better!
I met my husband on match.com, well, it was love@aol.com back then, which became match.com. I’d been on it for like 2 months, even finding someone who lived six blocks of me and wanted to date. I hadn’t had a date in 8 years! I devoted the first 8 years of my daughters life to her – I’d seen too many of my friends try to date with kids, and it was a hot mess.
I was scared. But then I get a message from a guy who said “I am a 39 year old divorced father of a 10 year old son. I am proud to say that I am Italian, and yet I have two separate eye brows and no back hair.” That sentence made me laugh out loud!!
I am sure you know the story – we talked on the phone for hours before we met, and married almost six months to the day we met – and we just celebrated 11 years of marriage in December.
I know you’ll find someone Errign because you are awesome!!
Hey sweetheart <3 First of all, I am so so sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience. That must have been incredibly painful to receive that text, but it is such a credit to you, and an illustration of what a strong, wonderful, inspiring woman that you are that you picked yourself up, let that tosser go (because that is what he behaved like, and is in NO way worth any moer of your time) and spent time with yourself. I think you are amazing. <3 I am no relationship expert at all, and relationships are so hard sometimes…like they can really hurt, as you know, and as I know…as most of us know. I have read that book, it's definitely valid in it's advice, it makes sense! I just tried to be as open and as warm and friendly as possible when I was single (and now too) – not to get a date, but just to connect with people, male and female. I think that, as much as people say it, it is true that things happen when you least expect them. That's what happened with me – I was always focused on someone ELSE when my "person" came into the picture. So I would just continue loving and being YOU, getting out there and being social. I think that you can't just "find" someone…your paths will just cross, and if you're both attracted to each other then nature will take it's course! (I mean that in a nice way, not a seedy way!)
Sending you heaps of girl support! We all need each other to lean on, to support one another – yay for female solidarity! <3 xyx
PS; hahaha long comment.
I just want to clarify that whilst relationships can sometimes be challenging, I think they are wonderful and enriching as well! That wasn’t supoposed to be a negative comment – it’s a positive one of hope and happiness! <3 xyx
That sounds like a horrible end to a relationship and it sounds like you did the right thing by spending some time to yourself. I can’t really offer any dating tips because I’m useless! I met my boyfriend at a university society and knew him for over 2 years before we started dating. I guess getting to know guys as friends is a good starting point – I would say a club or society is good for that kind of thing.
Good luck xxx
So sorry about your last relationship, that’s awful. And I can see why you’d take a break from the dating scene after that. Truthfully I’m not a fan of the dating scene and met my husband through my job when I was burned out after a relationship let down. We hit it off because I wasn’t looking for a specific dream guy or even trying date him, I was just having fun being myself and not worrying about impressing anyone. 15 years later, things are still good.
So I guess my advice is to not have an ideal man in your mind you start searching, just go out, be yourself, and have fun.
Oh wow. What a total jerk. Sorry you had to find out from a text message…ugh. Good luck Errign! You’re such an intelligent, well-spoken and beautiful person…any man would be lucky to be with you. I can’t give you much dating advice, since I’ve never really dated. The only formal “first date” I ever went on was ten years ago, and we’re married now.
Good god, your ex sounds like a royal asshole! I can understand why you would need a break after that. I haven’t dated in a really long time. I haven’t met anyone at school and the only boys I see at work are ten year olds, so work is definitely not a viable option to meet people. I also am way too scared to every try online dating- I’ve watched too much Dateline and I’ve convinced myself everyone on Craigslist is a murderer.
How horrifying, really. I’m hurting for you – I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to do that. It’s unfathomable.
I know online dating seems overwhelming, but it’s also a captive pool of men who are stepping up and saying that they’re unequivocally interested in being in a serious relationship. It’s kind of nice to eliminate that guessing from the equation.
What an arsehole your ex was; I know it’s cliched to say you’re better off without him but it’s so true and no wonder you’re wary of getting into anything again.
I’m kind of in the same boat having been single for a while; I’m so independent and settled that the thought of leaving that for a man is really scary. I’ve (only) just started seeing someone and all I’m thinking is that he could completely change my nice settled life! It’s similar to your situation I think in that the best thing to do is just go with it. I completely agree with that mediocre quote; life’s too short and precious to waste on someone if he’s not worth it. I think, easier said than done though it is, the key is not to think about it or look for anything and if someone comes along who is worth it, let it be what it’ll be – sorry if that’s probably not much help
What a dreadful dreadful way to end a relationship. No wonder you were over dating. I have to say that a lot of my friends have met people through internet dating so don’t totally dismiss it. Other than that just be yourself, be happy, be open and expressive with the guys you like and maybe even invite a whole bunch of people from work over and see if you can suss out the interest situation a bit more.
Whatever you decide Good Luck!!!
Rosex
What an ahole!!
My advice is to never settle! It’s always better to be single than to be with someone who you know it isn’t going to work out with. I was single for 3 years before I met my husband…I had to muck through quite a few “okay” guys to finally get to him .
Hey! I tagged you in a post over on my blog today. If you’re interested, you should check it out! http://mrsclarkbar.blogspot.com/2012/01/11.html
What a douche with a capital D! Ugh.
I’ve dated a bunch of assholes. It’s part of the process, if for nothing else to learn what you don’t like and to be used as a barometer once you’re in a good relationship.
As for my relationship with Alex, I pursued him. We were friends first, and I can’t believe I’m about to leave this in your comments, but I really don’t care – I actually talked him into sleeping with me before he went on a trip to see his family with the stipulation that if it didn’t go well or either one of us was uncomfortable, we had 2 1/2 weeks to get over it and be friends when he got back. We ended up talking on the phone pretty much every day and declaring our relationship status 5 days after he returned – and that was 4 years ago.
You are a badass, so just keep being you. The rest will work itself out.
i totally know how you feel! i was in an AWFUL relationship and breakup and was totally done w/ dating for 2 years. when i finally decided to get back in the game, i did match.com.
i’ve been with my boyfriend (who i met on match) for 6 months and i’m honestly so so so happy. we’re moving in together in a few months!
put yourself out there and you’ll find someone!
I’ve heard great things about match but I’ve never tried it. My best friend just married the man she met on match so I know it works for some. Maybe some day I’ll cave in & try it!
Many stories but none I’m comfortable sharing this publically! I just broke up with my boyfriend because I realised that I wasn’t actually interested in a long-term relationship, and that I actually love being independent and single more than I want to make compromises for hugs at this point in my life. That said, I’m looking forward to changing my mind if I meet the right person
To be honest, if you actually are serious about dating, I would actually do the online thing. I did, and found that that’s where people who are serious about commitment and want something true go!
hey, that i really good resolution , to get out more. For me it’s also really difficult to go back home at 7pm and have to go out to have a drink but… we have to
Sounds like a rough break up I can totally understand why you are hesitant to get back out there. That tough/vulnerable quote is so great, I can totally relate to it. I can say for the past year I have felt so strongly like I was missing out with the whole no dating thing, it just takes patience…because it will come eventually
Oh, girl. It’s so tough and scary putting yourself out there! Props to you
I think you just take your time, do the things that light you up and wait for the guy who makes everything so much easier in your life. It took many crappy, not fun and hard relationships with boys to appreciate the “right” guy. I remember talking to my best friend when I met my Dude and saying “Is it supposed to be this easy? He’s so in to me. It’s so weird!” Part of me is sad that I spent so long thinking I wasn’t good enough or settled for jerky guys, but now I know that those experiences taught me what I do want, who I am and how to appreciate my guy and what he brings to my life now. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get scared about my relationship (because of past relationships and because I have anxiety about everything!) but Dude and everything he’s brought into my life is so much better and more worth it than the fear. And it’s true – you really don’t know when/where you’ll meet him. I tried online dating after I broke up with an ex (about 6 months or so after) and just told myself that I was going to meet people and have fun. When I got overwhelmed or tired with it, I stopped. During a period where I wasn’t looking, I realized that I liked a guy that I had known for 1.5 years – and you know the rest of that story 
I met Jason on match.com. Not information that I freely give out, but it goes to show you that you really can meet a good person online.
I don’t comment on blogs much (been reading yours for a bit), but I have to say, those quotes from “He’s Just Not That Into You”… totally false. I gave a guy my phone number and told him that I thought we should hang out more after we had gone to a couple of parties and ended up spending hours talking; we have been together for almost four years and live together. I’m normally very reserved and do not open up to others easily, so I figured that if being around him made me feel the total opposite, then what the hell, I should go for it. I did and it was the best decision ever!